Neglectful Husband and Medling Mother-in-Law

Question

Praise be to Allah.

Firstly:

A good relationship between the spouses means that each of
them should pay attention to the feelings of the other and they should try
to make one another happy. It also means paying attention to the spouse’s
circumstances and relationship with those who have right over him or her, so
as to help him fulfil those rights, such as the rights of parents,
relatives, neighbours and so on. The basis for all of that is understanding,
love and compassion.

Secondly:

The sister who asked this question should be careful in
evaluating matters. Her husband’s sitting with his sisters on some occasions
may be acceptable, because he sees them only rarely or they may need to ask
him about something or they may have a problem, and the like. If there is no
justification for it and the real reason is the husband’s not being aware of
the consequences of his actions and his neglecting her rights, then she has
to deal with this situation properly so as to lessen its impact and not to
make matters worse. The wife is the one who knows what will affect her
husband, what he likes and what he dislikes. In general terms we may tell
this sister that treating the husband kindly and overlooking his bad
treatment or responding to it with good treatment is what will bring hearts
together and replace loneliness with comfort and love. Our Lord, the
All-Knowing, All-Aware, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel
(the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful
believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat
them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will
become) as though he was a close friend.

But none is granted it (the above quality) except those
who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great
portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world
of a high moral character)”

[Fussilat 41:34-35].

As-Sa‘di said in Tayseer al-Kareem al-Rahmaan (p.
749):

Then Allah enjoins showing a special type of kindness that
will have a great impact, which is treating kindly the one who mistreats
you. Allah says, “Repel (the evil) with one which is better” i.e.,
if someone mistreats you, especially if he has significant rights over you,
such as relatives, friends and so on, in word or deed, then respond in a way
that is better. If he severs ties with you, uphold ties with him; if he
wrongs you, forgive him; if he talks about you behind your back or in your
presence, do not respond in kind – rather forgive him and speak to him
gently; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then speak to him kindly
and greet him with salaam. If you respond to mistreatment with kindness you
will attain great benefits.

“then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity,
(will become) as though he was a close friend” i.e., as if he is near
and dear

“But none is granted it” i.e., no one is granted this
praiseworthy quality

“except those who are patient” in putting up with what
they dislike and respond to it in the way that Allah likes, for people are
naturally inclined to respond to bad treatment with more bad treatment, and
not to forgive it. So how about responding with kind treatment. If a person
is patient, obeys the command of his Lord, is aware of the great reward, and
knows that responding to bad treatment in kind will not benefit him in any
way and will only make the enmity stronger, whereas treating him kindly will
not lower his esteem and that in fact the one who is humble for the sake of
Allah, He will raise him in status — then it will be easy for him and he
will find joy in doing that.

“and none is granted it except the owner of the great
portion (of happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise, and in this world of a
high moral character)” because it is one of the attributes of the elite
among mankind, by means of which a person attains high status in this world
and in the Hereafter, which is the greatest of noble characteristics. End
quote.

It was narrated that ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir said: I met the
Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him), and I took
him by the hand and said: O Messenger of Allah, tell me of the most virtuous
deeds. He said: “O ‘Uqbah, uphold ties with those who cut you off, give to
those who withhold from you and turn away from those who mistreat you.”

Narrated by Ahmad, 16883; classed as saheeh (authentic) by al-Albaani in Saheeh at-Targheeb, 2536

This moral principle in interacting with others will help the
sister in her relationship with her husband’s mother and other relatives and
acquaintances.

Thirdly:

Interference of relatives and others in a couple’s life in
ways that spoil it and cause trouble is not acceptable according to sharee‘ah (Islamic law) and people’s customs. This matter has to be dealt with wisely and carefully, so as to reduce negative consequences and achieve that which is
in everyone’s best interests. The basis for that is achieving mutual
understanding and cooperation between the spouses in dealing with it. It may
sometimes need patience. So long as the matter has nothing to do with halaal (lawful) and haram (unlawful), as in the examples mentioned by the questioner of her husband’s mother asking her to give her the cost of the udhiyah (sacrificial animal) so that she can offer it on her behalf, it may be appropriate to respond to such requests if she can afford it, whilst indicating in an appropriate manner that she would
like to do that for herself in coming years.

We have discussed the boundaries for involvement of the
husband’s relatives in his wife’s life, and the causes thereof and how to
deal with it, in the answer to questions no.
6388,
96665,
128947

And Allah knows best.