Problem between a daughter and her mother
Question AssalmualaykumFor the past 23 years, i endured a lot of physical and mental abuse from my beloved mother. In all this time, i have tried very hard to swallow my pain and tolerate it , purely because she is my mother, regardless. But, sadly, now, at the age of 23 I am finding it…
Question
from my beloved mother. In all this time,
i have tried very hard to swallow my pain and tolerate it , purely because she is my
mother, regardless. But, sadly, now, at the age of 23 I am finding it very difficult to
Tolerate it anymore. Her constant physical and verbal abuse has made me so ill, that i
have been hospitalised for stress and been recommended to seek professional help. But i
don’t want to see a psychologist who would feed me with information and advice that is
hostile to the Islamic point of view.
I ma a very pious women,and know how highly regarded mothers are in Islam, and they have
to be respected regardless. But what about me? Why have i done to deserve all this? Just
recently, i have learnt, from my father, that she is mentally disturbed, and is a product
of her hostile upbringing. But that still doesn’t help me?
As i write to you now, she sits outside in the lounge, and refuses to talk to me and works
very hard to make my four sisters and brothers not talk to me either. Sadly, they comply,
so not to make her upset. What really upsets me is that she curses me a lot and makes very
bad du’oas for me, like wish that i die soon from a horrible disease or go to hell.
My real concern is, how much of that would God listen to? What is God’s opinion of
me? What’s His opinion of her? And what do i do now? Please help and and let me know
what my rights and obligations are as a Muslim daughter. Can mothers do that just because
they are mothers and paradise lay under their feet? What about the children? Jazak allah khayra
Praise be to Allah.
Allaah has commanded us to treat our parents well, and He has linked
this to the command to worship Him and the prohibition of associating anything in worship
with Him. The rights of the mother in this regard have been emphasized more than those of
the father.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Worship none but
Allaah (Alone) and be dutiful and good to parents [al-Baqarah 2:83]. Ibn
Abbaas said: This means treating them with respect and kindness, and lowering
the wing of humility to them, not answering them harshly or glaring at them, not raising
one’s voice to them, but being as humble towards them as a slave towards his master.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): And your Lord has decreed that you
worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of
them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, not shout at them,
but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and
humility through mercy, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did
bring me up when I was small. [al-Isra 17:23-24]. Al-Baghawi (may
Allaah have mercy on him) said: This means not saying anything that may contain the
slightest hint of irritation. [The word uff in the aayah, translated
here as a word of disrepect] comes from the word aff, which
is similar to the word taff; both words refer to the dirt that collects
under fingernails, and [in Arabic] when one is annoyed and fed up with something, one says
uff! to it.
Abu Baddaah al-Tajeebi said: I said to Saeed ibn
al-Musayyab: I understood everything in the Quraan about respecting ones
parents, apart from the aayah (interpretation of the meaning) But address them in
terms of honour [al-Isra 17:23]. What are these terms of honour [al-qawl
al-kareem]? Ibn al-Musayyab said: It is the way in which a slave who has
done wrong approaches a harsh and strict master.
The obligation of treating ones parents with kindness and respect
is not confined only to Muslim parents; they should be honoured in this way even if they
are kaafirs. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): And We have enjoined on
man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship
upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and
to your parents, – unto Me is the final destination. But if they (both) strive with you to
make you join in worship with Me others of which you have no knowledge, then obey them
not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to me
in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what
you used to do. [Luqmaan 31:14-15].
If Allaah has told us to treat even these parents with respect and
kindness, in spite of the heinous sin which they are telling their child to commit, which
is the crime of associating something in worship with Allaah, then what do you think is
the case with Muslim parents, especially if they are righteous? By Allaah, their rights
are among the most important and most certain rights, and fulfilling these rights in a
proper manner is one of the most difficult and most important duties. The one who is
guided to do this is truly guided, and the one who is not helped to do this is truly
deprived. Innumerable ahaadeeth also confirm this. According to a hadeeth narrated by Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him): A man came to the Prophet
(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, who among the
people is most deserving of my good companionship? He said, Your mother.
He asked, Then whom? He said, Your mother. He asked, Then
whom? He said, Your mother. He asked, Then whom? He said,
Then your father.
Makhool said: Respecting ones parents is an
expiation for major sins.
You have to be patient with your mother and put up with the harsh
treatment on her part, which is upsetting you. By treating her with respect and dealing
with her kindly, you will earn her good pleasure and love. Try to avoid things that will
provoke her and make her angry, even if they are in your interests, without causing harm
to yourself. Your mother, for her part, has to treat you well and stop harming you with
her blows and insults.
With regard to what you mention about her praying against you, if these
duaas are said for no good reason, they will not be accepted. It is not
permissible for her to pray against you for no good reason, because of the general
applicability of the Prophets words: [The prayers] of any of you will be
answered, so long as he does not pray for sin or the breaking of family ties. This
hadeeth indicates that if a duaa includes sin, it will definitely not be
answered. There is no doubt that praying against ones child for no good reason is a
sin.
We ask Allaah to help you to treat her with respect and earn her
pleasure, and to help us all to do that which He loves and will please Him. May Allaah
bless our Prophet Muhammad.
