Reasons why the mother interferes in her married daughter’s life and how to deal with it

Question

Praise be to Allah.

The mother’s rights over
her children are great, and Islam has enjoined the children to fulfil these
rights, and it regards disobedience to parents as a major sin.

The details of the mother’s
rights and her duties are explained in the answer to question no.
5053.

The mother whose daughter
has got married should realize that it is not permissible for her daughter
to give precedence to obeying her mother over obeying her husband, and she
(the mother) should understand that it is not permissible for her to
interfere in her daughter’s life after marriage, unless she is asked to
intervene in order to bring about a reconciliation or to offer advice and
guidance.

The mother’s interference
in her married daughter’s life has both negative and positive effects. The
positive effects include what the wise mother does of guiding her daughter
to things that will improve her life, whether that guidance comes before her
daughter gets married or after.

Undoubtedly the mother’s
experience of life and her compassion towards her daughter will motivate her
to offer advice to her daughter who does not have the same experience and
wisdom in dealing with a husband.

But the mother’s
interference in her married daughter’s life may also have negative effects,
the most serious of which is a case in which her interference leads to her
daughter being divorced, when the husband sees that his wife is not obeying
him and he has no position of control over her, and that his wife’s mother
is the one who tells his wife what to do and what not to do, which leads to
the destruction of her daughter’s marriage.

It is not permissible for
the daughter to go along with her mother when she asks her for private
information, even if that will make her angry with her, for obedience to
Allaah comes before obedience to anyone else, and it is not permissible to
give precedence to the wrath of anyone else over the wrath of Allaah, may He
be exalted.

Undoubtedly there are
reasons for this interference on the part of the wife’s mother. These
reasons include the following:

1 – The mother’s strong
personality, and her husband’s weak character, so that she is the one who
makes decisions in the home, and she wants to transfer this to her
daughter’s home too.

2 –Weak character of both
her daughter’s husband and her daughter, which gives the mother the
opportunity to play a major role in directing the affairs of her daughter’s
household. The mother thinks that running the household needs a strong hand
and that the couple are unable to run their home, so she takes charge.

3 – Impassioned feelings
towards her daughter, which makes her ask about her food, drink, medicine
and sicknesses, and how her husband is treating her; it may even make her
overstep the mark and ask about intimate details of married life, including
love and sex!

4 – Husband’s mistreatment
of his wife, which leads the mother to intervene in matters great and small,
so as to make the husband behave himself and ensure that the wife is given
her rights.

5 – Frequent visits on the
daughter’s part to her mother, and being in touch with her a great deal. In
most of these visits etc the mother cannot find anything to talk about
except finding out what is going on in her daughter’s house.

In order to solve the
problem of the mother interfering in her married daughter’s life in ways
that may spoil her life, she and her husband should pay attention to a
number of things, including the following:

1 – Direct advice from the
daughter or her husband to the mother not to interfere in their lives,
telling her that this is not permissible for her, and that this interference
may lead to the couple splitting up.

2 – Telling the father (the
mother’s husband) that he must stop his wife from interfering in the life of
her daughter and her husband.

3 – Hinting to the mother,
or even warning her, that if she continues to interfere in their lives, then
the husband will stop her from visiting her daughter or getting in touch
with her, and he will also stop his wife and children from visiting her
mother. This will clearly demonstrate the strength of character of the
husband and wife, and it will prevent the mother from interfering in a
negative way in their lives.

4 – It is essential that
the couple work out together how to deal with this problem and that neither
of them tries to solve it on his or her own without the other. This problem
concerns both parties, so it needs a common strategy to deal with it.

5 – They should consult the
mother with regard to some matters, and ask for her advice, so that the
relationship between them will remain within shar’i limits, and so that she
will know that her involvement is not rejected completely, and that they may
need her in some cases. This will give her confidence and maintain contact,
whilst preventing negative interference.

6 – Reducing the number of
visits and contact with the mother, and when the visit does take place,
there should be a focus on talking about useful things, advice and reminders
to do acts of obedience, and avoid sins and bad deeds.

We ask Allaah to set your
affairs straight and to guide you all to that which pleases Him.

And Allaah is the Source of
strength.