Ruling on websites that have sections for detailed discussion of the private marital relationship

Question

Praise be to Allah.

Firstly:

Allah,
may He be exalted, has instructed each spouse to treat the other well, and
the sexual relationship between the spouses is included in this. There can
be no doubt that both spouses need “sexual education” that will make married
life easier and strengthen the ties between them.

But it
is unfortunate that we find both excess and neglect with regard to this
matter. As for excess, it is what has become extremely widespread of the
propagation of this “sexual education” with no kind of modesty or
discretion. It is dealt with in school curriculums in a theoretical sense,
and it is dealt with by those who promote immorality and promiscuity in a
practical sense, by making it very easy for the sexes to meet in all ways
that are haraam. This knowledge and practice is made available many years
before marriage; in fact it has caused many to stay away from marriage,
because they see it as pleasure without any responsibility and without ties
to only one partner.

As for
neglect, that is by banning teaching of the Islamic rulings having to do
with this matter, and not learning what one needs to know. A girl may get
married without knowing when it is permissible for her husband to have
intercourse with her and when it is haraam, and what it is permissible for
him to do with her and what is haraam, and so on.

It
should be noted that the Islamic teachings on such matters came in different
contexts and in different situations, according to what was needed and what
was in people’s best interests. This means that they should be spoken about
in the right context and as much as is reasonably required, without going to
excess or being negligent, and without turning such matters into the main
focus in people’s lives. Rather they are important and necessary matters,
but they have their time and place, and must be handled with the proper
etiquette.

Part
of the Islamic etiquette in teaching such matters and speaking of them is
that one should look for metaphors that are readily understood and do away
with any need to state bluntly that which one would feel shy to mention, and
may be embarrassed to speak of in detail, as in the following verses and
hadeeth:

Allah,
may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Permitted to you, on the night of
the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and you are
their garments”

[al-Baqarah 2:187]

“Your wives are as a tilth unto
you; so approach your tilth when or how you will”

[al-Baqarah 2:223]

The
Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to Jaabir ibn
‘Abdullah, when he found out that he had married a previously-married woman:
“Why did you not marry a virgin so you could laugh with her and she could
laugh with you, and you could play with her and she could play with you?”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5052), Muslim (715).

Part
of the important etiquette regarding this matter is to rely on the natural
inclination of every woman, which gives her much of that which she needs of
such information; in every environment there is a certain amount of
information and experience that may be passed on through the women of her
family, who have already gone through these experiences, within limits that
do not transgress proper etiquette or modesty.

Secondly:

with
regard to websites that teach women “sexual education”, there is nothing
wrong with reading what they contain of material on useful, scientific,
serious matters, on condition that the websites is trustworthy in terms of
the material they present and is serious in fulfilling its honest
educational mission, and avoids cheap provocation and useless advertising.

The
same applies to books and publications that deal with this type of
knowledge.

However, a girl should only start to pay attention to this kind of
information when she actually needs it, which is when she is going to get
married.

Thirdly:

Actual
participation in such discussion groups involves several matters that are
contrary to Islam; the most serious of these is the lurking of evildoers and
corrupt people who use fake names and give false information, giving the
impression that they are women, for the purpose of cheap entertainment and
messing with people’s hearts and minds, especially when the discussion group
deals with these sensitive matters.

In
fact, merely reading the topics in these discussion groups should be subject
to a number of important guidelines, such as the following:

1.Those websites and articles should be free of haraam images, such as
pictures of women in general or hand-drawn images, especially those that
show the genitals.

2.Improper language should be avoided and Islamic manners should be
followed, by restricting it to that which will get the message across,
without using blunt or offensive language, except when there is a need to do
so.

3.These topics should not be presented verbally – as some women do in
webinars! – and it is even more important to avoid presenting them verbally
with pictures, because by doing this, the speakers are exposing themselves
to evil, such as if the tapes of those lectures are passed around among
foolish people and the speakers themselves are exposed to mockery and silly
comments by evildoers.

4.The teaching should not be limited only to matters of love,
affection, sex and how to bring the husband to bed. The marital relationship
is too sublime to be limited only to that aspect and not others. Rather a
woman should learn proper Islamic etiquette in interacting with her husband
and her husband’s family; she should also learn the basics having to do with
raising children, her relationships with her neighbours and husband’s
relatives, keeping her house clean and tidy, cooking, making good use of her
time to acquire more knowledge of Islam, reciting dhikr, teaching them about
Islamic matters pertaining to women such as menstruation, ghusl and so on.
By doing this, these websites will fulfil their mission in the best manner.
We think that it is disrespectful towards women to limit teaching of them to
sexual matters only. Even though these matters are very important, they are
only one part of married life, not the be all and end all.

If a
discussion group, book or website adheres to the guidelines mentioned above
and others having to do with basic etiquette, then there is nothing wrong
with reading them and learning from the beneficial topics included.

As for
a woman participating directly in such discussion groups, that involves
several matters that are contrary to Islam and must be avoided, especially
since it is possible to gain real benefits without participating directly.

And
Allah knows best.