She has gone off him and doesn’t want to have any intimacy with him in bed

Question

Praise be to Allah.

You should know that it is
not permissible for you to force your wife to do anything repulsive or that
may cause impurity (najaasah) to enter the stomach, and you should have
intercourse with her in a natural manner. Your wife should know that it is
not permissible for her to forsake her husband’s bed when he calls her to do
something that is permitted in Islam and to fulfil one of his rights, which
is to enjoy her in the manner that Allaah has permitted. It is not
permissible for a wife to refuse to share her husband’s bed without a
legitimate shar’i excuse, such as when she is menstruating or bleeding
following childbirth. A stern warning is issued to the wife who refuses to
share her husband’s bed, and there are many ahaadeeth concerning that. It
was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the
night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning comes.’”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, Bid’ al-Khalq, 2998)

It was narrated that Abu
Hurayrah said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: ‘If a woman spends the night having forsaken her husband’s bed, the
angels will curse her until she goes back.’” (narrated by al-Bukhaari,
al-Nikaah, 4795)

And it was narrated that
Abu Hurayrah said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: ‘By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no
one who would be pleased with her.’” (Narrated by Muslim, al-Nikaah,
2595).

It was narrated that Talq
ibn ‘Ali said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to him, then let her respond,
even if she is at the oven (baking bread).’” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1080,
classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, no. 927, in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi).

If a woman consistently
refuses to spend the night with her husband in his bed, then she forfeits
her rights to maintenance and also her share of her husband’s time [in the
case of a plural marriage], because maintenance is a right given in return
for intimacy. Such a woman is considered to be naashiz (defiant, rebellious,
disobedient). Al-Bahooti said: Nushooz (defiance, rebellion) means when a
wife does not let her husband be intimate with her or she responds to him
unwillingly as if she finds it too much when he calls her, and she only
responds reluctantly.

(Sharh Muntaha
al-Iraadaat by al-Bahooti, vol. 3, p. 55)

If a woman is
defiant, then she no longer has the right to maintenance, because
maintenance is in return for allowing her husband to have intercourse with
her.

Nushooz means a wife
disobeying her husband with regard to her obligations towards him. Allaah
has stated what the husband is permitted to do in the case of his wife’s
being disobedient. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“As to those women on
whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to
share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if
they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance).
Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

The fuqaha’ said: If
she persists in her disobedience after he has admonished her and refused to
share her bed, i.e., not slept with her as long as she persists in that, and
not spoken to her for three days, because Allaah says, ‘refuse to share
their beds’ – if she persists even though he has refused to share her
bed and not spoken to her for three days, then he may hit her, but not
hard.

In this case, it is
permissible for him to divorce her. Al-Mardaawi said: divorce is permissible
when necessary because of the woman’s bad attitude and bad behaviour, or
because of harm caused to him by her actions. So divorce is permissible in
this case, and there is no scholarly dispute on this point.

(al-Insaaf,
vol. 8, p. 430)

But if she has gone
off you in a way that cannot be remedied, and she dislikes you so much, then
in this case divorce is recommended, because staying married in this case is
harmful to the wife. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: “There should be no harming or reciprocating harm.”

See al-Mulakhkhas
al-Fiqhi, vol. 2, p. 305.

You will not be
considered a sinner if you divorce her in this case. With regard to the
solution of your financial problems, it is permissible for you to marry a
woman who agrees to support herself, or who agrees to let you off some of
your financial responsibilities towards her, just as it is permissible for
you to agree with your first wife to stay married whilst forgoing some of
her rights. It is permissible for a wife to forego some of her rights to a
share of her husband’s time and maintenance so that he will keep her and so
that she may stay married to him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):

“And if a woman
fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no sin on them
both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is
better” [al-Nisa’ 4:128]

‘Aa’ishah (may
Allaah be pleased with her) said: “This refers to a woman who is married to
a man and he wants to divorce her, so she says, ‘Keep me and do not divorce
me, and you are freed any obligation to spend on me or give me a share of
your time…’”

al-Mulakhkhas
al-Fiqhi, vol. 2, p. 296

Because maintenance
is one of the wife’s rights, so when they reach an agreement that she will
forgo her rights or some of her rights, then that is up to her. On this
basis then if the woman whom you want to marry agrees to forgo maintenance,
that is permissible. And Allaah knows best.